What Does Your Heart Say?

Love doesn't run love doesn't hide or turn away from a fight, as long as you're there. If you know what love is, then keep it close, keep it close to you, and never let it go unless it doesn't feel right. You could wish for the good or the bad, but either way its a wish that could happen by coincidence, or happen on a lucky day.




Some people wish the for the worst to happen to people, and some people wish the best to happen for people. This little girl growing up was full of sunshine, full of smiles, and as she grew up and became a beautiful mess. She looked back at her life and wondered, what happened. Every year her birthday came around, she wouldn't see her birthday as a birthday, but more like any other day.



You can tell people anything that you would consider the truth and at the same time not call it the truth. If you could fight for anything in the world would you go for it, or let it fly right out of your life. Would you take it seriously or take it lightly? Would you break it, if it didn't feel right, Or keep it a secret and ignore to see if it was really worth it? Your heart can tell you anything, but will you listen to your heart or watch it break?

Tommorrow is Your Day

When I don't think about you, I still hear you're voice knowing that tomorrow is your day. Tomorrow is the day that you passed away that day, that was the week after I talked to you for the last time. Tomorrow is the day that I praise you in the storm, I praise you for doing what you did to live your life. I praise you for making the most of you're last moments. You left too early and you were too young to die, but death doesn't discriminate against age, so it takes anyone at any age in time.




So, I say sometimes I wish it was me in you're place and not you, although one day we will meet again in the after life. When I first heard the news you left, I couldn't stop crying at all, and although I had to hide my emotions. I couldn't stop crying at all, as tears ran down my cheeks turning me red, I kept thinking why? why now? Why couldn't you just wait longer, and left live a little bit more. Time has no limit, nor a set date when you will leave the world. Tomorrow is you're day not to be remembered as the day you passed, but to be remembered as the day you lived.

Darkness For Hope

At the bottom of every person's cold heart, is a small white light that is waiting to grow. Leaves fall through the seasons, as the winds pass through the air, as winter slips through the cracks of our doors, windows, and chimneys. Each day we look forward to something different, and we fall back at the same time. We forget who were are for a second, and realize we made an action against what we really believe in.




I could run from you, I could hide from you, I could disappear from you, but why should I even bother hiding anymore. I've hidden for so long, I can't even tell who I really am anymore. Every time I close my eyes, I see a brighter day whenever I talk to you. Every time I try to take off a mask, I can't seem to rip it off, and even if I just ease it off my face, it stays stuck.



If I shall fall let me fall, to the fall where I can never stand. Let me fall to the black of nothing, the black of broken lies and promises. If I fail, let me feel the slap of pain hit me a thousand times everyday, to know that there's always something, that can lift my lifeless body from the ground. I'm not broken, just chipped with A crack in the corner of my eye.



I thought I heard you say something, I thought I heard you say you wanted me around. Although I know your predictable lies, it makes no difference when you are telling the truth either. Doesn't matter what you say, doesn't matter how much you try to make me believe anything, they all just come up in lies. One thing I know is truth, I can never let you back in my life.




A crack in the eye, a scratch on the arms and a few cuts, with a bruise here or there, isn't much but memorial scars of my worse nightmare. A painful expression is filled with nothing but lonesome painful thoughts, but still she sits in the night sky surrounded by darkness as she shines. She knows she still has the hope to live the next day.

Xbox Generation

Have you ever noticed that children don't play outside anymore? Recently, going over to a friend's house has become sitting on a friend's couch while playing his xbox. He doesn't ignore me... he just doesn't respond very quickly. I miss him, I miss talking to him about pointless stuff, I miss being bored of him I miss getting mad at him I miss everything about him. he doesn't even care.

Make a wish!

So, my best friend is probably dead, and I cant fix it. How do i find her, where could she be? I left my 3 year old cleo with my older brother Ralph, and he lost her. She's in a strange neighborhood, miles away from home, and my parents' solution is to forget it. She'll turn up eventually, right? 16% of lost dogs ever make it back to their owners. the rest are stolen, thought to be strays, euthanized, or tortured by teenage boys. The idea of someone pouring gasoline  her and lighting her on fire scares me. Cleo is smart, though. she'll make it. A woman called me from missouri city pound they don't have her, but they are on the lookout. Hopefully someone will find her.

The song goes on without me...

I used to have an inspiration for music, the inspiration to sing and to write songs. That inspiration has left my lips and left my mind and hands to even put any words down on paper. I lose my tune every time I put a word down on paper and I lost my song, every time I record it, I completely just lose the point of the song being made and the inspiration to bother making the song over again. I used to have songs popping into my head non-stop, but now its nothing, but meaningless words that are empty.




Just once I wish that my inspiration to come back again and stay, just once I wish it something could give me that extra push for me to hit a note, a word, a song, even a verse at least. My inspiration was lost when I let the ridicule of those who disrespected me get under my skin. I let their ridicule and negativity consume my mind, killing my inspiration for my voice to even bother being heard on a recorder, or any song at all.



Their ridicule ate my inspiration, spat it out, walked all over it, and broke it to pieces. Those pieces now cannot be mended even if I tried it can't be sewn together, like broken glass the pieces were shattered and never found. When I had my voice I would be singing like nothing, although I wouldn't let anyone hear me. But when I tried to show it, I choked up, I froze, I lost it, and every inch of my voice cracked. No tune, no melody, just words coming out of my mouth, as I stand under a spotlight trying to sing.



After it was all over, all I got was ridicule, sarcasm, knowing that I had messed up. I knew I had already been looked down, that didn't change anything before. When I try to change it the words kicked my ass like I never actually practiced the song at all.

Women logic

I like how you give me hope when I need it, I like how you push me through the loop holes when I, myself can't see them. I like how you give me hope, but knowing that opportunity will never come true. I like how sometimes I try but its always hidden and when I don't show what I try to you, you seem to noticed. I like how you see something in me that other people don't see.

I like how you see me for me, while others see me for the wrongs I had done in the past. I like how you always say I deserve better than what I have, when I know I really don't deserve much at all. I like how everything has a light and dark side to it and its always difficult to tell. I can't say I'm perfect because no one is perfect, and I can't be selfish even if I wanted to, but what's wrong with selfish, and if love is a crime, then punish me because I would die for you. Would you notice, if I told you something you would least expect, would you look at me like what the hell, or just push me out of the way like nothing really happened?

You're everything I've been looking for, and you're everything I want. You're beyond perfect, and you always make me smile, you always say things at the right moment, even if its out of the blue. You say the sweetest things to me, and prove to me that you're different from every other person out there, who says one thing but does another. Everyday you're full of surprises, and everyday I can never get tired of talking to you or saying the same things to you everyday. You always make me happy, even when I'm sad, you make me blush, even if I feel shy, you always make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world for you. You're all I want and you're beyond the perfect person for me.

You're everything I want, you're everything I need, you're everything I've been looking for. You say all the right things at the right time, and I can never get enough of you. You're amazing beyond words and when it all comes down to you I can never do anything but appear speechless and smile. Even if I'm around you, I still miss you, and even when we're far apart I would always miss you. You stole my heart and made me feel like the happiest and the luckiest girl in the world. You're always down for me, and I'm always going to be down for you, because your the best thing that has ever happened to me

Jordan-I mean "first"

WOW. I can’t believe that first actually asked me out. He said, and I quote “ I’m so lucky ’cuz I have you.” I was like “hee hee... ’kay.” I can’t believe my awesome luck, to have HIM ask ME, especially considering my completely rotten luck with guys.  Did I mention the fact that he’s 20? or that I’m 17? Or that I’ve no business with someone three years older than me? But he’s so much more of a gentleman than I would have thought. I knew him as a paintball loving kid, the kind with a pierced ear and  a one-way ticket to the world of unemployment.  I never knew that he was so… romantic. I always thought that first was just, well… first. He has a job as a petrographic assistant or something, cutting rocks into small sections to be looked at under an electron microscope. He has a legitimate scientific job that pays well, and I’m… a burrito roller. At least I’m in school full time as well. I still don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship, but first is too immature to be able to hurt me. not like Ryan did. Now I’m of consenting age, and I’m forgetting the things that were done to me, I’m moving on, because there's really no more time to cry over what has happened, right? It’s not too sad, because I’ve learned how to handle this type of situation. My new boyfriend will be managed, because I will not let that happen to me. Not again.

Heh Heh. I'm in love

So my date with Jordan went amazingly well, and he actually text messaged me back after like a week. To "sext."  I replied no, and he said goodnight. Womanizer.

I really like him, so much so that he's the new "first" on the table. He wanted to know whether or not me and fifth fooled around and I was so happy that he was jealous at the idea of me hanging out with another guy. I really think that he'd ask me out if I wasn't such a ditz around him. Of course, he wants to know just how I am with other guys, and I am terrible at handling this situation.

Oh. My. Gosh.

   So, school. I loved the morning class, friendly with that one guy, but english, gosh... First of all, I saw Michael on the way to english, he smiled, and I tripped. on the stairs. FUN. Then my teacher decides to deny all of my epic essay topics, (social conformity, what defines a nation, and individuality) and decides to make me write new ones. I write corn, pandas, and society. She picked Pandas. Dolt. I can't do Algebra for my life. I'm not lost, but he wants us to solve with only one (1) unknown. FAIL. I am barely able to understand it, as I am used to solving with 2. Teachers should really lear how to keep lectures EDUCATIONAL. I've learned review, and review, and review. And write about pandas. Sam is not in algebra today...(^^^) Kinda sad... but whatever,  I guess. Algebra teacher is boring. I spoke to fifth yesterday. He's an ass. He insists that second hides their secret phone calls from me. He's all "everyone but you knows." Riiiiiight. He doesn't get that he's the subject of the game. heh. Played.

  " Jankiest Review I've ever seen in my life"  QUOTE OF THE DAY.

Time for Government, with Mistahhh Chris the second. Ituah walks in like a boss and does... nothing! Ok everybody we are right here... Thank you. GAH! so bored. the Fannyfaddeers... please put awaay cell phone. Please can this guy just go back to his chair and dismiss us!?!?!?!? Boredom begets mischief. Mischief begets boredom, it's an endless cycle.

Thomas Aquainas. The Thomas Aquainas. From Catholic shcool. That's what we're GOING OVER IN HISTORY CLASS!?!?!?!? WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH FRAKING AMERICAN GOVERNMENT? I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M HERE AND I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!!!


But seriously. This sucks.

REALLY!?

   So,... Today was fun. I was hanging out with Second and Third, and who calls but Fifth. Ew.  Well, I busted my bottom on a scooter, and what'doyaknow!? HE SHOWS UP. FML.

   So I'm bleeding terribly from my foot and he stays at the park while me and the twins go inside, and he's still there an hour later when we return to the park. Great... and then alex, jacob, and Nathan show up..... and then I realize. Stoner parties scare me. I'm out.

   But I stay because they're cute. I LAWL at my fickleness. and I argue with fifth all night long over second's lack of intelligence. He actually thinks that she hides stuff from me. heh. My foot is throbbing. I miss when life was a little more complex. The full moon keeps me awake. I can't write anything, because I'm just... BLEGH.

Playing Guitar 'till my fingers rot

   Sometimes, I just think that you don't give a hoot. My english teacher wants us to keep journals for extra credit... HAHAHA... I guess I'll just print out some pages. "Second" and I are "friends" again, although I'm not really sure that I want to have friends. They all seem to be more trouble than they are worth. I miss "the first," last name Hadfield. I still can't believe the fact that he'll have nothing to do with me... Even after 2 years. Where's Joan Jett when you need her? "Fifth," last name Meece, was at dark park today. Lame. He waited there all day long just for a chance to talk to Second (Lauren). Maybe he loves her. Yeah, because everyone loves fifteen year olds.  It's 11:30, and I'm planning for the worst, be it a zombie apocolypse, running away from the police, or just a simple hurricane. Nineteen windows. Seventeen boards. Eight steps. Six doors. One typewriter. Zero hour. HaHa this sounds like a cheesy dime novel synopsis..
   I got the wig from Lonnie... Second absolutely loves it. They think it's the shizz. I think it got really ratty this past year...


Here's a poem for first, in hopes that one day he will see it.


It hurts to go one day without you...
Somehow, I've managed two years
                  So  cruel 
                   the truth 
                   so cold 
                   I realize
 I've developed a dependency on
you, & I'm suffering withdrawals.


         Why so? 
         The cause  
          is my pain.    
          it becomes  
          too much 
          To bear alone, I miss you.     
          "Please come back to me"
          I wanted so badly to say. 

                      And Yet 
         I see you             and I'm  
  Filled with                    the hatred 
      of all                           my lies 
          and all             my secrets 
                     I'm done.

  Why do                               I keep   
        Telling                    Myself 
            These                Lies? 
                I know          He
                     Won't love
                            Me

         So eloquently, you speak
         to me, as if this were a game
         do you
         have a
         clue as
         to what you've done to me?
         You're really that oblivious,
         aren't you?
         I can't
         Believe
         All the things you used to tell
         me, the things we used to do. 

            you must
            really not get it.
            I was          ALWAYS
            There            For you.
            When             You were
            angry,             when you 
            used to             hit me, I 
            couldn't         even think
            straight,          but you
            were happy. Things
             are better now. 





        and then                 there's the
          fact that            I never felt
               safe           around you.
                  you        made me  
                   cry   much more
                    Than Any
                     Person
                      Ever,
                     Made
                 Me feel
                  USED.

                   But Prom  
        was so             different. 
     I really                     thought
   that you                     loved me 
   The next                  day, you     
       completely     Broke my 
                    HEART...

You know,                you never  
really did                  apologize.
I'm sorry                    for every 
thing I've                    Put you 
Through,                    and I just 
figured that you really wouldn't
   read my 100 reasons if I gave
                                  them to you.

Midnight Reading and a New Friend

T-bone finally came home! We took him to WAL - MART today, and they totally respected his rights as a sentient being. He tried out several chew toys, and we found one that he likes. I' sitting in my room, attempting to read my history textbook, and I end up blogging. Great.

Bought the most epic diesel perfume... did I mention how epic it is?

I swear my life is written by Stephenie Meyer.

     So, I'm finally hanging out with the twins, and all of a sudden Lauren decides to invite Tony. To the pool. When I'm in a borrowed bikini top that might as well be a pair of pasties. I end up picking him up, and taking him home. You know what we did at the pool? Absolutely nothing. Tony talked to the lifeguard about pipes, and the twins and I waited in the 3ft section of the pool. Lauren was abducted for some "fun," and I disclosed some information to her. When I saw Tony again, I spoke to him about that same information... and now they aren't speaking. OK I'll admit it, I was a little jealous. But you have to understand the terms of our little "arrangement." It was simple. "Nobody touches him, so nobody fights over him"yeah, right. Try adding that to the stresses of college.

    Speaking of college, we had some retarded speech icebreaker today where we were to introduce the person next to us to the class. Oh, my goodness, was I lucky! I came in a little late, and barely made it in time, and my seat from Monday was taken, so I grabbed a seat next to a total hottie, and, wouldn't you know, he was my partner for the icebreaker. Long punk hair, interest in cars, same taste in music, and best yet, a bio major. YUM!

   BUT, all of this had to happen right after Ryan got out of jail. And told me he loved me. And asked me out. Oh, yeah, and Nathaniel and Danny from high school want to hang out/make out, and I just want a decent chance to make straight A's in college. Guess that's never going to happen.

   None of that compares to the High Priestess training. I've learned how to deal with many types of people, and I'm ready to apply that knowledge, but the BoS took up most of my time, and the girls all reverted to atheism/agnosticism. Except for the twins, of course. They are the only ones too fickle to actively disbelieve in anything. I'm thinking of inviting Ryan to the next meeting of the guardians. I wonder if they will let me. I'm hinging on a "yes." Well, only time will tell.